I Make You Believe

A guest blog by my sister, Emily:


having an eating disorder comes with some incredible talents. part of being sick is being proud of these talents that are really nothing to brag about. it's an amazing thing to watch your blood pressure drop, to have a successful 48 hour water fast, and (of course) to get away with it all.

the lies are what keep the disorder alive. if we're caught, it's over...at least until we get back on track. there's practically a handbook of answers for any question that gets thrown our way, and we're required to memorize them if we want to hang on. we lie to our parents about having plans to eat out with friends; we lie to our friends about already having eaten at home. we avoid eye-contact while we convince our doctors we've eaten 100% of our meal plans and stayed consistent with meds. we've mastered water-loading so the number they see on the scale is higher than our true nose-diving weight. and each time you're fooled, we come a little closer to winning.

it's a sick and twisted routine that we can't help. the eating disorder has a voice screaming at us 24/7 and we have no choice but to obey. it's loud and it owns us. you don't hear ED patients often talk about this voice because people don't understand. we don't want to be confused with schizophrenics. it's different, but it's hard to have "outsiders" understand what it sounds like, and it's hard for us to know we shouldn't acknowledge it because the voice sounds immensely like our own.

then, one day in treatment, after days of fighting and crying during meals, there's another voice. "shut the hell up. i have to eat this meal." and you do. and that ED voice hisses louder, but every time you tell it to fuck off, it's forced to loosen it's grip a tiny bit more. over time, that healthy voice becomes the dominant voice and eventually, there's that light at the end of the tunnel. the voice from hell is dying and that, my disordered friends, is the real win.

now, for those of you that have been blessed with "normal" eating habits, this is an extremely brief and rapid version of this process. the biggest part i have left out of the process was learning that that voice isn't ours and that it's lying to us. just because cream in our 10am coffee adds another 55 calories does not mean we'll suddenly put on another 10 lbs and we probably shouldn't eat again until our morning coffee tomorrow. that not only takes a long time to learn, but it takes a long time to want to learn. we control this. that's what it's all about.

the tie in here is that i no longer hear that voice. that voice officially died about a month and a half ago - maybe a little further back. but it was in my head and it made me lie for my life to everyone that meant anything to me. so how do people know it's gone, especially when they didn't know it was there to begin with? how do people know they can trust me again? how does a pathological liar prove that they're done lying? especially when my body's giving me such a hassle with weight-gain.

the intelligent doctors know that maintenance weight doesn't mean the eating disorder's gone, but it's also said that "body image is the last to go." clearly, it's not the same for everyone, just like eating disorders effect everyone in different ways. i have no body image problems, i am doing just fine dealing with my mentality without restriction, but my body's so used to being emaciated that it wants to get down there. and i keep fighting and stuffing...and my doctors keep wondering what's wrong. i feel like they're not completely understanding how detached from AN i really am, despite the fact that i am, by dictionary definition, still anorectic. i just need to push past that 85% mark.

all i can tell them (and everyone) is that i'm done lying. it creates toxicity that i've padded my life with for far too long. it's not saving me from anything. it's not worth losing trust over and i'm tired of being babysat because my staff can't trust anyone with an eating disorder.

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For more, go to: http://emsr.blogspot.com/

Midterm elections

Time for another installment of "Guest Blog." One of my dearest friends, Crissy Delaney, never writes about politics, just like me. But we both did within hours of each other. Crissy's entry touches on the same themes as my last blog, except far more "poet's lament" than "curmudgeon's rant."

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I am not in the habit of writing blogs that have correct punctuation, grammatical structure, or a coherent political point. Today, simply because it is the day after the midterm elections, will be an exception.

In my humble opinion this election was run extremely poorly. Neither side seemed to offer any coherent platform of ideas or general principles on which it would model its ensuing policies. Instead, there was petty back-and-forth name calling and shaming. Has our political system been reduced to a he-said-she-said argument? I ache for an election of ideas. We desperately need policies based on facts, truthful assessments, critical thinking, moderation, and creativity.
Our country is at a very precarious stage and needs clarity of purpose.

The lack of a coherent platform led the Democrats to a negative victory. Negative in the sense that it was clear most people voted against the Republicans and against Bush, not necessarily for the Democrats. This in no way provides the Democrats with any type of moral, political, or intellectual mandate. They struggle to make sense of their own party and carry the critical issues (war, education, the scope of presidential prerogative, the treatment of prisoners, international relations, security, the economy, the competence of the judiciary, the list goes on and on…) into the unknown.

I have grown weary of this nation without purpose. It is as if every political and social issue is decided on an ad hoc basis, without recourse to any fundamental principles or values that the nation can generally agree on. The United States seems to be in a severe identity crisis. With each new issue there is a new battle for the meaning of the country itself.

As I sit here, disagreeing with many of my peers on current events and politics in general, I am wondering what it truly means to be from the United States. When discussing minority rights today a professor of mine quoted a scholar who said (paraphrased) that the only thing common among women of the world is that some of them, at some point in their lives, may give birth to a child.

Does our nationality unite us more than that? Is being "American" just saying that some of us, at some point in our lives, have lived on United States soil?

Is there nothing more we can build upon?

I look to the Constitution, I look to the Declaration of Independence, I look to the Federalist Papers, I look to the engraving on the Statue of Liberty, I look to the Civil War, I look to the writings of the Civil Rights Movement, I look to Beat Poetry, I look to decades of photojournalism, I look to American art, I look to the atomic bomb, I look to our movies and our songs, I look to our literature, I look to the history books, I look to the NY Times, I look I look I look I look I look

in search of a purpose to unite.

This election has tarnished the quality of our democratic system. It was fought as if it were a team sport…cheerleaders, drunks, overzealous fans and all. I await, in hopeful anticipation, change.

"America the plum blossoms are falling."- (Allen Ginsberg)

No horse for Jayme

As you all know, I avoid voicing my political preferences on the Internet and have always encouraged you to do the same for many reasons. For this post, I'll break that rule ever so slightly in order to express my disdain with the grand illusion of democracy we call "the Presidential Election."

Bill Richardson for President.

Those 4 words charged me up for 2008 more than any others (besides "Johan Santana trade rumors..."). I believe in his diverse and worldly experience. I believe he's most equipped to lead an empirical debate on illegal immigration and the future our nation's workforce and education structure. I believe he's leading a state into the 21st century that is so rooted in old-style thinking, it allowed cockfighting until last summer (Mississippi is the final safe haven for enjoying this savage ritual).

But I'm not writing this as a Richardson supporter, but rather as a member of the 10-15% of Americans who has lost his Horse. Who's to blame? The Media? The voters? Bill Richardson? I don't think we can accurately answer this question without first eliminating the most obvious variable in campaign politics: money.

I understand that fundraising is, in its own right, a fair resume booster; it displays a candidate's ability to network, inspire, and surround yourself with competent people. But if you have $10, $20, $50 million more than your opponent, that money can buy more time to fend off attacks, explain one of your more complicated agenda items while your opponents' remain... complicated in the public view, or ram one of your simple stances down everyone's throat 10, 20, 50 times more (I hope that you hope that someday we can all hope for hope in this hopeful land of hope).

With no caps on private campaign spending to give each candidate a more equal-sized microphone and less time to woo voters with each state moving up its primaries, candidates only have to win over the media, which represents what? 0.6% of the American population? (If anyone has the real stat, please post it; I wanna know). It doesn't matter that no one trusts the media. These are the people that pick the soundbites you judge, that decide what commercial clips in Iowa will be broadcast over a 24-hour period on national cable. They decide. To some extent, they always will. And believe it or not, I don't hold it against them (we have to get our news somehow). But their insane level of influence only proves to me how important it is that we eliminate other variables like campaign spending. Give each viable candidate a similar-sized microphone. If it lets a few "I with free so-and-so from prison" crazies in just so the Bill Richardsons can finally be heard, I'm all for it.

Unfortunately, that's up to the very people that benefit from exuberant fundraising. So I guess we're all fucked... unless, of course, you truly believe in one of the "Top 7."

Well I don't. So I've sentenced myself to reading up on the remaining bobbleheads and deciding which one seems least likely to sign a law I wouldn't like. What an inspiring commercial THAT would make:

"Hi, I'm Secretary of State Bill Galvin, reminding you that this election includes some people that might... sign a law... that you think is, like, really bad n stuff. So uh... please vote."

*sigh*